5 reasons why many Christian Men remain single.

5 reasons why single Christian men aren’t getting married.

(Edit: This post seems to offend a number of people, so let me say this. This post is not exhaustive. it is not authoritative. It is observational in nature only. There are hundreds of reasons, thousands maybe. Some great, some poor. But hey, at least its a blog post that gets read.)

Why aren’t Christian men tying the knot?

“Charles, the word is out on the street that all the pretty girls come to this church.” This particular parishioner was concerned that young men were attending our church simply because of the presence of attractive young ladies.

One of my first radio interviews with East Africa Radio was on the topic of “Is church a good place to pick up a chick?”

Friends have been discussing this article about why single women don’t get married. I’d like to give some thoughts on why single Christian men don’t get married.

The simple reason is that they don’t ask.

Or ask often enough. Eventually, one would marry you. But it goes deeper than this. After 20 years of working with young men and women, here are a few of my ideas. I’m not God, so be nice in the comments please.

1. Single men don’t want to grow up.

I’ve even seen this internet Meme going around: “Aging isn’t something you can’t stop, but growing up is a choice” or something like that. Its true. Many young men want to stay up all night playing cards with friends, spend their money on themselves, and basically extend their childhood into their 30ies and 40ies.

This goes against all of human history. This behavior used to be limited to royalty and the children of rich people. Now, with the rise of the middle class, men can choose to remain children. I know that sounds harsh but it leads me to my second point

2. Single Christian men don’t see the real meaning of marriage and adulthood.

Your life was given as a stewardship. It belongs to God. Forgive my antiquated views, but you were created to protect and provide. Both of those are fearful tasks. Marriage is to be a reflection of the love of Christ for his bride (at least from the man’s side). A man is at his best when he is taking care of a wife and kids. I have a beautiful wife and three beautiful children. When I go home at night, I know that however meaningful or meaningless my endeavors of the day, they have deep meaning and purpose. I am providing for and protecting the 4 most important people in my life. Every man should know that.

 3. Pornography and masturbation.

Forgive me my bluntness, but the Apostle Paul wrote: “it’s better to marry than to burn.” Passion is given to youth, and used properly, it guides a man to choose a mate. The popularization, growth and common acceptance of these 2 forms of self-pleasuring have replaced the natural express of intercourse with a woman. And while I’m digging a hole, young Christian men who aren’t getting married simply do not understand how much fun true sex is. Studies are showing monogamous, long term relationships are more sexually fulfilling but because many have tried sex, they have dabbled in porn, they don’t know the real thing. So they aren’t willing to pay the price to get it.

 4. Marriage is mistakenly viewed as the end of life.

Once you get married, you settle down, the keyword being “settle.” Listen, I met a producer from NPR who took his wife and kids on a year long worldwide trip. Expensive? Sure, but probably not more than a Ranger fishing boat.  Marriage, done right, is not about limitations but about expansion. I’ve heard expressed, and perhaps even believed in the past, “I should have done X before I got married.” I would have traveled. I would have…” whatever. Listen. People who travel before they get married travel after they get married. People who don’t do much before they get married, don’t do much after they get married. Marriage doesn’t change what you do. It changes who you do it with. (tweet that) .

 5. They are afraid of making the wrong choice, or of simply choosing.

In a world where an upgrade is always around the corner, we get used to waiting for the “Next Big Thing.” The reality is that in relationships, it’s rare for that to happen. You don’t find the next big thing. You become. You’ve got to grow into being the person of someone else’s dreams. For too long, I dreamed of the perfect wife, and waited for my wife to change. Instead I should have dreamed of being the perfect husband to my wife.

Ok, I reached 5, but since I started writing, but let me throw in 3 more for fun…

6 Girls just wanna have fun.

So crooned Cindy Lauper but it’s true of boys too. Young men just wanna have fun. Nothing wrong with that. Yet with marriage, you can’t have the fun without the hard work. Just can’t be done.

While I’m at it, let me put in one dig.

7. Young Christian men aren’t getting married because young Christian women are living in a dream world.

Romance novels, chick flicks and superhero movies have polluted the minds and expectations of ladies. The new car, the nice house, the dream vacations, those come after years of hard work and sacrifice by both parties in a marriage. The perfectly mature guy doesn’t exist. Neither are you the perfect woman.

8. They haven’t found the right girl, and they are content to wait.

Marry your best friend. Statistics show that if you survived childhood, you’ll live well into your 80ies. So take your time. practice self control. Give yourself to service of God and mankind. and when you find the right girl, marry her!

283 thoughts on “5 reasons why many Christian Men remain single.”

  1. How about the appalling divorce statistics? After seeing your father , uncle, older brothers, and friends get taken to the cleaners by a corrupt Family Court system, the incentive to get married is lessened somewhat.

  2. This is very true brother, sad but it is. I can see my self in some of this examples. One to add is that some of us feel in adequate at times due to the fact that we have made so many mistakes. Which woman would want a man whose story reminds her of her bad boy friend? This are the realities we have now. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  3. Steve, everybody has a page in their book they don’t read out loud. You don’t have to feel inadequate, i believe that when the right person comes around, they’ll take the good with the bad, accept you as you are and vice versa.

  4. Yes we hve an identity crisis here,many men are not living their lives at all.This is compounded by the fairer sex who shouldn’t expect things to be’delivered’ to them on a silver platter.For marriage to be what it should be,l am sure the two parties should see it through together,they should be, MUST(is appropriate here) be committed to it.They must give their all to its success.Now we have a scenario where one part expects and never gets into the thick of things,eish!! It is a long and discouraging list.lt is more frustrating to a widower who has to look around again for a spouse in a pool where most products aren’t genuine.

  5. Interesting article, but in doing my own study on singleness, helped by my new friend Barry Danylak who wrote the book “Redeeming Singleness,” http://www.amazon.com/Redeeming-Singleness-Foreword-John-Piper-ebook/dp/B0042XA362/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404486992&sr=1-1&keywords=redeeming+singleness, Danylak examines singleness from the point of view that while marriage was laid out in Genesis as a plan that would ultimately be an example of the church, the single life that is consecrated to God can be fully satisfied in his/her singleness and is a reflection of what our life will be in heaven. When Christ came to redeem us he brought man, woman, slave, eunuch, widow, orphan into a family – a community – and also revealed to us that no one dies if they don’t have sex, but we do die if we don’t have one another or a relationship with Christ that is strong enough to fulfill all of our desires. Were we created as sexual beings, yes, but we have also seen how the quest for this has derailed many people trying to find fulfillment in sexual relationship and not in Christ.

    While you make a few good observations (true that women sometimes want the very tale – but men do too!), I would love for the church to promote equality of both marriage and singleness as God’s ideal. It’s not an either/or. To perpetuate this mis-understanding of scripture is to deny many wonderful people, like Paul, from living a fulfilled life, complete in Christ.

  6. Shannon

    You make phenomenal points. My article was written in response to a previous one about why single women don’t get married. But you’ve made a theological point that is better than all my tongue in cheek observations.

  7. Steve, I know we want to live in our failures. The enemy wants to keep us there. But the reality is that the only thing you can change about the past is the way you see it.

  8. Omega Man
    The actual divorce rate is much lower then widely believed. The pain though, that comes from a bad marriage and bad divorce is horrible. And I think you’ve hit a nerve for both men and women. Everyone is afraid of divorce. But the horrible car crashes don’t mean there aren’t safe drivers or that we don’t need cars. We as a culture need better preparation, and coaching through marriage.

  9. I’ve tried to do a bit of study on the issue because there are a lot of articles out there…5 ways, 10 steps, etc., that don’t bring out the theological side of things. I did read the other article as well. Just trying to spread the word that taking a look at singleness from a Biblical, not cultural or traditional, point of view could help a host of individuals that never quite measure up to feel validated with the life that they lead. Blessings to you Charles!

  10. Charles – If you believe every man has to marry in order to grow up or become an adult, you need to upgrade your theology to the New Testament where singleness is actually viewed as a gift from God in order to better serve the kingdom of heaven. It is unfortunate that marriage and family are worshipped as idols in today’s culture. Remember, the greatest man to ever walk this earth was . . . never married. His name is Jesus Christ.

  11. John
    I absolutely and in no way believe that every person should be married. Paul is very clear in the scriptures that there are huge benefits to singleness. My article was addressing some of the issues and was in response to a previous article. I have often taught that the manliest man we know, jesus, never had the kind of connections that we associate with manliness, i.e. sexuality, family, cash, etc.

  12. As a single Christian woman who has dated several Christian men, I can say that this article sadly rings true. What I’d like to address is the way Christian men treat their sisters in Christ during the dating ritual: in one word, deplorably. It breaks my heart that the men we’re supposed to trust the most treat us like an object, not unlike secular men. In my opinion, Christian women should guard their hearts, while Christian men should remember that the women they’re dating are their sisters first and foremost, and treat them accordingly. Gentlemen, we’re not toys! We’re your sisters! The Lord has called us to love one another. Think chivalry! A real man is a gentleman who protects a woman’s heart because he realizes how fragile it is. Instead, we’re bullied and thrown aside like a piece of trash when men are tired of us. Of course, this is not true of all Christian men, but sadly sinful and thoughtless behavior exhibited by Christian men is pervasive in the church. Please, dear brothers, take care of our hearts. Dear sisters, GUARD your hearts.

  13. I’m a Christian male in his late forties and still single. Now I had a long desire to meet a good woman and get married. However that has not come to pass for various reasons, some the fault of myself , some due to the culture of the Church and how it develops relations within. Some of which is false and flawed expectations of some Christian women about potential husband material, I always think it’s a good thing you have a relationship with Jesus ladies because that’s as close to a perfect man you are ever going to get. When I consider women my attraction is not based on how often they pray , how often they read the bible etc…these are surface acts which frankly don’t say anything about the spiritual health of a person. The world has baggage in relationships but the Christian world has its fair share. I’ve come to a point in my life when those God giving desires to love and be intimate show no signs of going away. So I have to make some hard decisions about how to proceed, do I belive God wants me to have a partner, I really don’t know to be honest. I spent a lot of the first part of a 28 year rock walk with Christian debating this asking God to guide me and been frustrated by mostly Church rules about dating and courtship , which they say is based on biblical teaching but is in fact based on cultural norms of that particular point in history and no way is practical today, and has been westernised also from its original 1st Century middle eastern meanings. There is not simple answer like their appears to be here, it goes much deeper. So I keep going trust in God. Ignore flawed and corupted teaching who us Pauls letter in corithians about marriage and singleness without the intellect and understanding of its cultural meanings.

  14. Excuse me sir. All due respect. 1 Corinthians 7 states that it is okay to not get married and actually preferred by God. I am just curious why not getting married means not growing up.

  15. About the only one’s that apply to me are 7 and 8. I’ve been praying and looking for a wife for 26 yrs as of this summer. I just turned 49 and I’m not sure it will ever come. I try to be content as a single and find my joy and happiness in Christ alone while waiting on him as we Christians are supposed to, but it’s not easy sometimes.

    Especially in this day and age of social media where your friends and family who are your age or younger are sharing pictures of their children and even their grand children, making them grandparents. I’m happy for them, but to say it’s painful to watch would be an understatement.

    Then sometimes I think Why even bother getting married? If I get married I would most definitely want to have children. Should I even have children at 50 years old? And would a woman child of bearing age even want a guy my age? I struggle with all these things.

  16. I’m in agreement, but I also know that from my own experience my father and brother have been married many times. They were men who thought that being married was to bring a man happiness. All of the marriages failed. So it must be a combination of things that brought on the divorce. Yes both their internal life and the kind of women they blindly fell in love with.

  17. I’ve been single for many years now, and consider it a blessing because it’s allowed me to do many things that probably wouldn´t have been possible if I would have been married or at least more difficult. Being single is a blessing and so is being married.

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