Dead Dreams and Godly Visions

Years ago when Joshua was 7, he was diagnosed with Duchennes Muscular Dystrophy.  The day he was diagnosed I couldn’t go with Charles to the doctor as we had a new baby(Riley) and a teeny little 2 year old daughter.  I was barely coping with keeping up with two little ones, feedings,  a baby who had severe acid relux and itinerating to return to Africa.  So Charles went to the doctor with Joshua by himself.

Hours later, Charles returned and our world was torn apart.  He could barely tell me the diagnosis, and it felt like I was hit by a semi truck.  He came home with some of our Minnesota leadership to share the news, because he couldn’t bare to tell me.  I remember clearly feeling as if I was not breathing and couldn’t get enough air into my lungs.  This feeling continued for days on end.  I would find myself in the shower on the floor bawling or unable to sleep at night.

Joshua, who never has nightmares, woke up that same night of the diagnosis crying for us.  When I went in to his room, he told me that there were 3 dark figures standing by the closet that scared him.  I knew the Lord was telling me than that we were under severe spiritual attack.

That day 4 years ago saw the death of dreams I had for Joshua’s life.  Dreams that every mom has for her kid.  I had dreams of my son growing up, going to college, meeting a wonderful girl, and getting married.  Someday having these adorable little grandkids.  Now, all of that was crashing to the floor.  I had been praying to for his future wife.  (you know like a good mom should do).  Well, now I really didn’t know how to pray other than for a miracle.

Today I read an article about a mom who wrote to her future in laws for her sons.  She was telling them she was praying for them, and hoping that they were teaching their sons how to treat a woman.  The article made me cry.  I realized how much I lost years ago, and yet…

Scripture tells us that without vision God’s people perish.  Seeing beyond ourselves, circumstances, and reality, to what could be gives hope and impetus, and energy and strength.  As I have grappled with Josh’s disease, prayed and sought the Lord, pled for mercy on Josh’s life, I have been given a greater gift than my personal dreams- God’s truth and promises for the future.  His vision for the future.

Now when I pray, I pray that God would accomplish His plan in Joshua’s life.  That He would grow in greater knowledge, depth, and understanding of the Spirit of God.  That He would have an incredible sensitivity to the moving of the Spirit, and a love for people.  My dreams fall by the wayside when I see that God is using Josh to minister acceptance and love to the unlovable.

I have to determine at times to not dwell on the fact that Josh will probably never be a basketball player, or soccer player, or any kind of running sport.  His gifts lie elsewhere.  He is an awesome companion and friend.  He loves laughing, and it is an experience to go to a movie with him.  (seriously).  There are so many little gifts in Josh that I am blessed to be part of.

My dreams for God’s vision of truth over Josh’s life.  I’ll take it.

Tahnya