My daughter’s favorite show these days is Jep and Jessica, the spin off from Duck Dynasty. My little butterfly loves “the Rednecks” original show and so adding kids into the mix is exciting. The show is about as exciting as watching grass grow if you ask me.
In an early episode, Jep does manage a funny comment. Something to the tune of “That decides whether I get lucky with Jessica or she puts on the sweat pants.” That’s actually a funny metaphor.
And also a sad metaphor. Sad because men “get lucky” in marriage.
Listen ladies, if sex in your marriage is about luck, then something’s wrong. Something’s broken.
Sex isn’t about winning or losing.
Sex isn’t “friend with benefits” with God and society’s approval.
Increasingly, our cultural has moved sex into the realm of leverage, of influence, or simply of mood. And this is just in marriage. Don’t get me started on the stupidity of sex outside of marriage.
I’ve never written about this before. And I’ll probably get so blasted I’ll got back to writing about organizational culture. But hear me out.
Love shouldn’t be about luck.
Said NO ONE EVER “Wow, she got lucky. Her husband brought her flowers, or held her as she cried.”
Said NO ONE EVER, “Wow, she got lucky last night. He complimented her, he supported her.”
And they shouldn’t.
Luck has no place in a strong marriage.
Ladies, sex is more important than you understand in a marriage. It’s not just for him, its for both of you. I realize that this aspect can be broken for so many reasons, (prior relationships, physical issues, etc…So get the help you need).
No man wants to get lucky in marriage. Men want intimacy and sex is just part of that.
Today at church was one of the most real conversations I’ve ever heard. A pastor and his former protégée spoke on stage about the man’s moral failure, related to pornography and who knows what else. I’m glad they didn’t go into details. If you want to be blown away, take the time to watch this sermon. #JRCLife
But if you are one of the few people leftover in a Siberian gulag and you just got out, you might not be aware of the amazingly devastating effects that pornography is having on our world today. Pornography is one of the fuels of the global sex trade industry. It costs economies billions of dollars a year (just do the research on the bandwidth it takes up in Africa, where bandwidth is at a premium.) Porn, by even non-religious standards, is an evil, demeaning, dehumanizing putrid evil. Its also incredibly addictive.
I’m sure you’d agree.
However, I’ve noticed that the same people who will “tut-tut-tut” those poor souls addicted to visual imagery do not have the same moral compass when it comes to their reading habits.
The whole category of “mommy porn” applies to literature mostly targeted a moms, who fuel the romance novel industry. You know, the flowing hair guys with big pecks and the poor distressed lonely woman recovering from a dude who broke her heart. Half way through the story, he comes back in, love triangle. Repeat ad nausea.
I confess. I loved Jane Eyre. I read the book with Mr. Darcy and it was a good story.
But recently I picked up a novel where the author went into the mind of a sexual pervert. A rapist. My favorite author. My favorite genre, a spy novel. And I put it down.
If I wouldn’t watch the movie, why would I read the story?
I don’t want that in my mind. And just because the images come from words on the page doesn’t make them equally powerful. Equally addictive. And equally wrong.
When a man’s pornography habits are exposed, society places huge shame upon his shoulders. And rightfully so.
But If I were to read those steamy passages from those romance books, out loud, to your kids, would you feel good about it?
Where do you ideas of adult interactions come from? Your lustful books? Your sexually charged romance scenarios? Your flower-powered , verbal love fests that lead to a romp in the sheets?
Maybe I’m wrong. But when something comes onto TV that wrong, I was trained by my dad to look away. But we never really talked about books.
Several years ago an agent of the Drug Enforcement Administration was lecturing a group of kids about gun safety. As he was saying that he was the only one there professional enough to handle a Glock, he shot himself in the foot (or the thigh according to which account you read).
Michael Quinion reports a sobering event recorded in the Appleton Crescent newspaper of August 1857, “Mr. Darriel S. Leo, Consul to Basle, accidentally shot himself through the foot, four or five days ago, in a pistol gallery at Washington, and died on Sunday of lockjaw.” link
People have been shooting themselves in the foot for a long time. But the phrase has taken on another sense in more recent years. According to the Free Dictionary the phrase means, “to do or say something that causes problems for you.” (The Free Dictionary)
5 reasons why single Christian men aren’t getting married.
(Edit: This post seems to offend a number of people, so let me say this. This post is not exhaustive. it is not authoritative. It is observational in nature only. There are hundreds of reasons, thousands maybe. Some great, some poor. But hey, at least its a blog post that gets read.)
“Charles, the word is out on the street that all the pretty girls come to this church.” This particular parishioner was concerned that young men were attending our church simply because of the presence of attractive young ladies.
One of my first radio interviews with East Africa Radio was on the topic of “Is church a good place to pick up a chick?”
Or ask often enough. Eventually, one would marry you. But it goes deeper than this. After 20 years of working with young men and women, here are a few of my ideas. I’m not God, so be nice in the comments please.
1. Single men don’t want to grow up.
I’ve even seen this internet Meme going around: “Aging isn’t something you can’t stop, but growing up is a choice” or something like that. Its true. Many young men want to stay up all night playing cards with friends, spend their money on themselves, and basically extend their childhood into their 30ies and 40ies.
This goes against all of human history. This behavior used to be limited to royalty and the children of rich people. Now, with the rise of the middle class, men can choose to remain children. I know that sounds harsh but it leads me to my second point
2. Single Christian men don’t see the real meaning of marriage and adulthood.
Your life was given as a stewardship. It belongs to God. Forgive my antiquated views, but you were created to protect and provide. Both of those are fearful tasks. Marriage is to be a reflection of the love of Christ for his bride (at least from the man’s side). A man is at his best when he is taking care of a wife and kids. I have a beautiful wife and three beautiful children. When I go home at night, I know that however meaningful or meaningless my endeavors of the day, they have deep meaning and purpose. I am providing for and protecting the 4 most important people in my life. Every man should know that.
3. Pornography and masturbation.
Forgive me my bluntness, but the Apostle Paul wrote: “it’s better to marry than to burn.” Passion is given to youth, and used properly, it guides a man to choose a mate. The popularization, growth and common acceptance of these 2 forms of self-pleasuring have replaced the natural express of intercourse with a woman. And while I’m digging a hole, young Christian men who aren’t getting married simply do not understand how much fun true sex is. Studies are showing monogamous, long term relationships are more sexually fulfilling but because many have tried sex, they have dabbled in porn, they don’t know the real thing. So they aren’t willing to pay the price to get it.
4. Marriage is mistakenly viewed as the end of life.
Once you get married, you settle down, the keyword being “settle.” Listen, I met a producer from NPR who took his wife and kids on a year long worldwide trip. Expensive? Sure, but probably not more than a Ranger fishing boat. Marriage, done right, is not about limitations but about expansion. I’ve heard expressed, and perhaps even believed in the past, “I should have done X before I got married.” I would have traveled. I would have…” whatever. Listen. People who travel before they get married travel after they get married. People who don’t do much before they get married, don’t do much after they get married. Marriage doesn’t change what you do. It changes who you do it with. (tweet that) .
5. They are afraid of making the wrong choice, or of simply choosing.
In a world where an upgrade is always around the corner, we get used to waiting for the “Next Big Thing.” The reality is that in relationships, it’s rare for that to happen. You don’t find the next big thing. You become. You’ve got to grow into being the person of someone else’s dreams. For too long, I dreamed of the perfect wife, and waited for my wife to change. Instead I should have dreamed of being the perfect husband to my wife.
Ok, I reached 5, but since I started writing, but let me throw in 3 more for fun…
6 Girls just wanna have fun.
So crooned Cindy Lauper but it’s true of boys too. Young men just wanna have fun. Nothing wrong with that. Yet with marriage, you can’t have the fun without the hard work. Just can’t be done.
While I’m at it, let me put in one dig.
7. Young Christian men aren’t getting married because young Christian women are living in a dream world.
Romance novels, chick flicks and superhero movies have polluted the minds and expectations of ladies. The new car, the nice house, the dream vacations, those come after years of hard work and sacrifice by both parties in a marriage. The perfectly mature guy doesn’t exist. Neither are you the perfect woman.
8. They haven’t found the right girl, and they are content to wait.
Marry your best friend. Statistics show that if you survived childhood, you’ll live well into your 80ies. So take your time. practice self control. Give yourself to service of God and mankind. and when you find the right girl, marry her!